etudes | ooc ♫ appointments post

[ Ah, she smiles when she answers the call. ]

Good morning, Ikki-kun. [ she turns a bit more curious though at the second part, it's even reflected in her tone. ] .. The beach? No, I haven't.. Why, has Ikki-kun gone there before?

A few times... Do you want to go there this Saturday? I think we will have good weather by then... If you have anything you prefer to do it's okay, it's not really important.

No, there's nothing I'd prefer to do more than going there with Ikki-kun, so we can go.

[ look how easily she's saying that. ]

[Too easily, he wonders if she's not forgetting something.]

Are you sure you don't have anything else to do with your other friends?

... Anything else..? [ blink.. ]

What is there that I could forget?

Just making sure your other friends and you hadn't planned something already. I wouldn't want to ruin your plans.

There's no other plans I had.. [ ... ]

And.. it should be okay for me to go with Ikki-kun either way, right? Since we're.. dating.

It's not a date.

[Reflex... Wait a second.]

... Have you been talking to Smoker again?

Hmm, I have. He said that Ikki-kun and I were dating, even if you might deny it. Smoker-kun even explained all about it to me.

[Mental note: Kill Smoker.]

What did he explain?

[ oh, she can do this! So she's just literally reciting what Smoker said to her word for word, it's pretty obvious she's just repeating someone else's words.. ]

"It means you go out together just the two of you. To dinners, or something fun. On dates. Do you remember part of the event? After you were both kids, he believed you'd grown up in Luceti all your lives; that this was home. And you were dating then. It's basically a romantic thing. Like a small step towards marriage and in the similar direction of a physical relationship."

[Definitively kill Smoker.]

In that case if we go with other people it can't be considered a date, right?

Of course. That's why it's just me and Ikki-kun, right? Then.. it's a date.

... I've never been on a date before, though..

Don't be silly, we have gone alone just you and me to many places together. If those weren't dates then this one shouldn't be a date either.

[That's not going to backfire at all, nope.]

.. Huh? So.. it's not a date? It's not?

[... There's no answer because, how does he answer that question made with that tone of voice? Whatever he says he's screwed!]

[ No answer is even worse, Ikki! How can you just let a girl wibble like this? ]

So.. the reason why Smoker-kun wouldn't tell me if Ikki-kun loves me or not.. [ she actually does sound a little hurt. ] .. that's.. because Ikki-kun doesn't love me..?

[Wait, what? Smoker why can't you just keep your moth shut? Or mind your own business for once? For someone as screwed in his relationships as Smoker is, he sure likes to interfere with others... And why is she just assuming the worst? But it's better that way, isn't it? Make her think that, let her believe that and step away from her. It would be the best for both.]

... Kotomi-chan, go to the front door of your house. Now.

[He closes the journal. There's still time, he should just let her be that way... He really should... Yet he's saying "screw the rain" and going out to Kotomi's house.

At least now he has clear that he's an idiot.]

[ For a few moments all Kotomi can do is stare at the journal, even though he's already closed it. What kind of answer was that..? She doesn't get it at all, but she knows she should at least do what he's telling her, so she obediently closes the journal while wandering over to the front door, still a little confused.

But she stands there and waits. It's what he told her to do, after all. ]

[He should leave her waiting, for both of their sakes. But here he is, knocking at the door in case she's not outside. Whether she is outside or inside and opens the door upon him knocking doesn't matter though, because as soon as he can he's going to... Stare at her.

And the next thing that he will know is that he's hugging her against his body... He's really an idiot.

And he hates Smoker. Specially for being right.]

[ There's a slightly surprised sound as she's drawn into the hug. Not that she minds - of course she doesn't, she didn't before and she doesn't now. It's just that she's still confused about what exactly is going on, and he didn't answer her question before..

Kotomi doesn't move from his hold at all, but she does softly speak up a little. ]

.. Ikki-kun..?

Shut up.

[It's an automatic response upon feeling her talk, he doesn't even really hear her. But he needs her to shut up either way. He has to think, which probably isn't something that's good to do when he's holding her against his body, close and firmly, but this is when it really counts. It's easy to say yes or no when she's not there, it's easy to fool himself in one way or another. He can't do that when she's there between his arms, fitting perfectly as if she belonged there.

He remains in silence, doing nothing but holding her, thinking about everything he has been told, what Smoker has said, what other people in Luceti have often said even if unrelated to the matter. He thinks back of his world, of the fights that he has fought and the ones he has yet to fight, the life of a Saint, short and doomed no matter what good they do to the world. They are sinners, humans who raised their fists against the Gods. He thinks of his brothers, of the Gold Saints that lived and died fighting for Athena to the point of sacrificing even their own souls. Of all the Silver Saints that died without really having the chance to serve Athena because they were fooled by Saga's evil side. A life of fight and sacrifice, many asked for it, others simply accepted it... He and his brothers were forced into it, but even though he had resented that and will always resent it he had never actually longed for anything else, a few differences here and there, so that some people who didn't deserve to die wouldn't have abandoned the world of the living due having cross paths with a Saint. But he never longed for a "normal" life. He never even stopped to wonder about it, he simply didn't know what was a normal life. As far as he could remember he never had one, not even when it was just his mother and him, but he can't really tell as he barely remembers those days, it's why he didn't ever remember who was the man who returned with his mother that day months before Shun was born. You can't long for what you don't know. The most he could have longed for would have been a live of running away, running barefoot across the streets, barely holding a baby in his arms, hoping to find a ceiling to spend the night under when it rained, hoping to find some milk or baby food to feed the baby with so it could spend another day without feeling hungry and suffering from it.

Only a fool would long for that kind of life. So he didn't even think of it. He just lived on the life he had been forced to have, throwing to the back everything that wasn't needed for it. His feelings, his heart, his brother, Esmeralda... Everything was just luggage for him and he just put it behind him, dragging it with him at most, abandoning it on the path in the ideal case.

He really hates Luceti. This is the real hell not the underworld were Hades ruled, that was bad, but this is worse. A place where your feelings and memories never stay the same, where you're literally a toy without even an illusion of free will. A place where a normal life is something forced into him. A life he doesn't know how to live. And in the midst of that was Kotomi. A normal and frail girl, a genius but who at the same time knew little of the world, easily scared and reduced to wibbling and tears, who almost always talked in monotone and always took everything literally. And she was pure. As pure as Shun had been once, back when he was a baby, more pure than even Esmeralda was. He had forgot how it felt to hold something so pure between his arms. Something he didn't want to lose no matter what, even if the whole universe told him that it would be better for them both to let it go. He wanted it, it was his, he loved it and he wouldn't give it up even if he died a thousand of times. He would never give his brother up completely... Esmeralda had always reminded him of his brother, so much that he had often mistook her for him when he was delirious with fever or exhaustion, but what he had felt for her had never been close to how he felt when he was holding that baby and running across the city streets. It had been closer to what he felt when Shun grew up and he wanted him to be strong enough to protect himself, but still lacking his impulse to protect her against everything no matter the cost. Was that why she had died? Because, as much as he cared for her, he had never felt the imperious need of protecting her? He had wanted to rescue her, to help her and punish those who mistreated her and he had wanted her to live. But he had never felt that he didn't want to let her go completely. He wanted her to have better chances to be happy. But not to be there. With Esmeralda he would have never cared if others hugged her and she liked it, as pathetic as that is.

The only ones for whom he wanted to be there forever, for whom he wanted to be the so called "number one" were Shun and Kotomi. A similar feeling and yet so different. Because he was willing to see Shun walk away and become strong without him, yet he couldn't do that with Kotomi.

He has no idea how long has it been when he finally starts to talk but he knows his arms itch and his legs strain a bit for having stand like that for a very long while. He doesn't care.]

We have gone alone just you and me to many places together before. If us going to the beach like that is a date, those were dates as well.

[His voice is low and strained, barely a whisper, but he speaks leaning his head against her ear so the words are spilled there for her to hear no matter how low he speaks even over the sound of the rain falling over the village.

Let her decide had said Smoker. He can't do that. He doesn't want her to decide herself, because he can't accept one of the possible answers. He speaks again, just a whisper for only her to hear, short words and come out easily yet pained, as if it had taken all his will to tear them from their hiding place inside his heart.

He's not aware that he's moving, shifting to hold her face rather than to hug her, forcing her to lean her head upwards. He doesn't even notice it until he's already doing it, clumsy and, he will never admit it, scared, pressing his lips against hers slightly. The words he just whispered for her still dancing in his mind. And he knows it's a mistake, the biggest mistake of his life since he refused to let anyone adopt Shun alone and separate them. But just like then, he doesn't care anymore. He repeats them against her lips only slightly louder.]

I love you, Kotomi-chan.

Edited 2012-06-18 19:35 (UTC)

[ There's the slightest wince at the initial response - an automatic reaction as well at hearing those harsh words, but even with that wince she doesn't move away from him. Not that she could do so in the first place, but it's a conscious choice to stay there close to him as well. The tension caused by the words is only lenghtened though by the fact he doesn't say anything afterwards for a long time. But even so, she waits for him until her head perks up a little at the moment he speaks on, even if she isn't looking up fully yet.

No, that happens when he says those words she had asked him about and then lifts her face so she looks at him. She blinks - a little more surprised than her usual blank face, but then his lips are already on hers. A kiss. She's hardly even read about it in books, but it's different than anything she could have imagined either way. It's.. nice and warm, different from the hugs but nice all the same. There's a feeling almost like slight disappointment when he pulls away a little to say it, but.. there's those words again, and it makes them flow out almost naturally from her too.. ]

I.. love Ikki-kun too. I really, really love Ikki-kun..

[ Just like what Smoker said - he would tell her eventually. And apparently that moment was now, and thankfully it was the variant she wanted to hear. He loves her.. Her eyes water up a little, but this isn't the sad kind, is it? No, it feels so happy, even if there's just a little fear still left behind-- ]

So.. don't leave, Ikki-kun.. [ Because even with as oblivious as she is, Kotomi could feel it too somehow at times - the feeling that Ikki might just stop all of it and leave, the possibility hanging in the air. But if he loves her, that means he'll stay, right? Unlike the times she was left alone again and again.. ] Please.. stay with me. Because I really love you..

[For a second he actually worries a bit when her eyes water, but he relaxes at her next words, asking him to not leave... She has no idea how much better if would be for her if he did. But it's okay, he really can't do that now, he can't fool himself anymore after this. He can try to fool others but between them both it's useless already.]

Even if I wanted to leave I wouldn't be able to.

[You got him hard, Kotomi and you didn't even try to do it. Ikki takes a deep breath pulling her into another tight embrace.]

... You're not allowed to leave either. I can't let you go anymore.

[He smirks a bit, caressing her hair.]

You're my precious treasure after all.

[ It's exactly what she wanted to hear. Even if everyone else leaves sometime, to just have a person with her who won't.. that's enough for her, it's all she wants. To not have to be alone anymore, and have someone whois with her, who loves her, and who she loves in return.. That's perfect, isn't it? Even with as new as it is to her, that's fine. So she can't help but smile as well. ]

I won't leave.. There's no reason for me to leave. Ikki-kun makes me happy, and being with him like this makes me even more happy.

[ At that last part she can't help but let her gaze travel up to his face a little though. ] ... Ah, Ikki-kun said it himself now. I'm.. Ikki-kun's precious treasure.. [ She's practically in a happy near-trance at the words, sticking to him as closely as possible - not that it's difficult with the embrace. ]

ooc ♫ appointments post

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